Perception.

Lately I feel as though I’m being perceived to “not care” because I’ve been keeping to myself.

This is not true. I’m just, exhausted. Mentally and physically exhausted. I’m really for a new chapter of my life and to be honest, the chapters that I have closed, I have no desire to revisit.

I once tried to keep a balance between maintaining relationships with certain friends and family and I’m tired. Relationships are two way streets. I cannot put in all the effort and get nothing back in return from people. I have a husband and kiddos I have to worry about.

I have a baby growing inside of me that I plan to give so much attention to. He’s going to need the best version of me possible. I can’t allow the negativity from life or the people in it to taint me and my heart. This past year has been dedicated to healing and growing. It’s been dedicated to reflecting on my mistakes, my stubbornness, and the decisions I don’t wish to ever revisit. I have forgiven myself and that’s what’s important.

So when I say “I don’t have time for that”, I literally don’t have time nor the energy to make for anything I feel will cause stress to me or my life.

So naturally, some people are going to perceive that as me “not caring” when in reality, I care too much and that’s gotten me in trouble with myself in the past.

No more. I can care too much but keep myself distant. It’s what I consider healthy for myself. ♥️

Advertisements

Marriage & feelings.

Someone once told me to write yearly notes to myself about my feelings for my husband. I don’t know why it took me over a year to start, let’s start with our first year of marriage. October 14, 2017 to October 14, 2018.

The night of our wedding was absolutely magic. It was everything I ever dreamt of and more. He is exactly what I’ve always not only wanted, but absolutely needed. I mean, the electricity running though us was indescribable. We vowed forever. Through thick and thin. I think it’s safe to say that our first year of marriage tested that. 

OUR Marriage was everything. IT IS EVERYTHING. A new chapter. For those who say that marriage is just a piece of paper and nothing changes, you are wrong. Our feelings and love magnified…there was no denying that.  

It wasn’t anything he or I did that year that caused so-called “thick” in our relationship.. It was just what life had decided to throw at us. 

By November that year, we could tell my father in law’s cancer was coming at us full force. Come Christmas, I could tell it wasn’t getting any better. My husband on the other hand, didn’t see that. I don’t think it was denial as much as it was maybe faith? Faith that his father would get through it. I mean, how couldn’t he? If you knew Jay (my father in law), you would know he was an absolute fighter. I was just scared for my husband. 

A few weeks into January, we were told that nothing else could be done for my father in law. We spent the rest of the weeks to follow making as much time as possible to spend with him, still keeping the faith.  The fear I had for my husband’s heart, grew. I didn’t know how to help him or what I could ever do, except be there. Love him.

The week Jay passed away, sticks with me. I think it will always stick with me. I watched his wife carry herself with so much grace. I wish everyone could have seen her through my eyes those weeks. God truly chose her to be Jays wife. He could not have had the life he had without her. She gave us the greatest advice on love and marriage. It made me cherish my marriage even more. It made me fall even deeper in love with my husband.

My father-in-law passed away two days later… my husband’s heart broke for the first time in his life. I haven’t lost a parent yet, but I can only imagine that it’s an ache that nothing can fix.  I feared he would pull away or shut down, but our relationship deepened. Instead of pulling away from God and each other, we pulled closer to each other. 

Our honeymoon was scheduled for the following week, and Jay would have wanted us to go. So, we did. We felt almost numb while there to anything except each other and enjoying life. We appreciated love and life that much more… our honeymoon was a dream. I know Jay would have been so happy with how we spent it.

We spent that summer living life to our fullest. Indulging in love, each other, and most importantly the Lord. 

Our next “thick” happened months later. I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of august 2018…and miscarried mid-September. This heartbreak was so much different than anything we could ever explain. It broke us down, and I couldn’t have asked for more resilient partner to have next to me.  He helped pick up our broken pieces when I felt like I didn’t even want to anymore. He constantly reminded me of Gods plan. I am in awe just reflecting on how amazing my husband handles life.

Our first anniversary, October 14th, 2018. I reflected on our first year today and how it literally was the HARDEST year of our life so far, yet… it built something beautiful in us. Little did I know, that a few weeks later, I would fall pregnant again. ❤ God answered our prayers, I truly believe because of the faith we have in his plan for our life. I am not always 20 weeks pregnant with our little rainbow baby and even more in love with my husband than ever. I am so excited to share my life with him.

Anyways, it may seem like I went off topic to reflecting on my feelings for my husband in our first year of marriage, but I just needed to reflect on the obstacles we faced together, so it can be better understood why I am so madly in love with him. He is my rock. My best friend. He’s passionate about the things he cares about. He is always looking for new ways to please me, to excite me, to just see me smile. He compliments me, even on days where I can’t find a thing to love about myself. I sometimes wonder what exactly he adores about me.He makes me laugh. My husband chose me to cherish ♥️ I love him more and more each day.

That is what I feel about him a year after marriage.

Stepmommin’

The day I decided to continue a relationship with my husband after him telling me about his three month old son, is the day I chose to try.

The day I told my husband that I was ready to meet his six month old son, is the day I chose to give in to fear.

The first night my nine month old stepson spent the night in my home, is the day I chose to be somewhat responsible for his life.

Since those choices, I have been there for first words, first steps, first day of preschool, first trip to Disneyland, first zoo visit, sooo many firsts. I even sacrificed days to get him potty trained ASAP and am very proud of how fast he picked it up. I have literally changed my entire life for him, without hesitation. 

My husband and I, before we got married, had so many conversations of how much HE wanted me to be involved in his our sons life, before I jumped feet first. My husband made it clear, he wanted me to help raise his our son 100% as a mother should (After all, we are a unit). I fell into the role so naturally. I think it had a lot to do with not only how much I loved my husband, but how much I had fallen in love with his our son.

The day I married my husband, I made promises to my new son as well.

Now, this post isn’t to boast about how easy being a step-mom is. It’s actually to vent about how conflicting it can be at times.

On one hand, I have my husband who will always include me in 100%, and on the other are the boundaries that I needed, and still have to learn when it comes to my stepsons mom. In our home, there may be no boundaries on the mother I am to my stepson, but obviously, she is his mother and there is definitely boundaries.

I did my part to literally try and have some type of a relationship with her, and I guess we did for awhile there.

Unfortunately it hasn’t been a walk in the park, and that’s okay. This is new to us, this is new to me. It’s only been five years since I started this journey as a stepmom. The events of last year have left me with no energy to try and mend with my stepson’s mom. I’ll let time take care of that. We could play the blame game, but for what? At the end of the day, she has her view on things and I have mine.

Don’t get me wrong, I hold no hate or anger in my life towards anybody, including her. I’m on a new journey and that journey involves leaving negativity and the past, in the past. The relationship I mended with God last year has allowed me that. It’s allow me to pray on things and move forward. It’s allows me to take the opinion some people may have of me, and know my hearts true intentions. The only place I have a view of is the future.

Stop dwelling on the past.

– Isiah 43:18

I am okay stepping back, I actually prefer it. I worry less now that I have no communication with her. My husband handles all communication, which believe it or not is all I ever wanted. They are the ones who should be dealing with each other, not a middle man.

But, at the end of the day, I am aware that there will be times were I have to see and be around her, and I am totally fine with that. I have given up the dream of this amazing blended family that celebrates his birthdays and miles stones together one day. I am okay having our own version of an amazing blended family, being cordial when necessary.

I will continue to support my husband, help raise his our son, and continue to build our beautiful life together.

Stepmommin’ aint easy, but it has to be done.

Music to my ears.

Every time we’ve heard your heartbeat has been the most heartwarming feeling. I always feel moved.

But something about yesterday and how real this is all beginning to feel, makes me thank God even harder for you.

Abel asked the doctor if she was going to take the baby out yet. He was so excited when she asked if he wanted to help her listen to babies heartbeat. 💗 I think it’s so cute how excited he is for a little brother.

21 more weeks and some days baby boy 💙

We cannot wait to meet you!

Affirmations.

They’ve been so important in my daily routines. I wake up and I tell myself things like

Today will be a good day.

I will be better than yesterday.

I will smile more, stress less.

I will trust in Gods plan for my today, and tomorrow.

Fear does not control me.

Those who bring negativity into my life, don’t have to be there.

Will things always go well or as planned?

Absolutely not.

But, it’s how I choose to react and move forward that’s important.

I have control over my life.

Changes.

It’s pretty crazy how much your body changes while carrying a little human.

At first, I swore nothing was different. I was just tired all the time and a little bit of nausea didn’t bother me too much. As soon as I ate, it was gone.

But here I am now, almost 19 weeks pregnant and certain foods don’t sit right anymore. Smells I once loved, make me sick. I’m still exhausted. Some weeks I have the best skin I’ve ever had, others I feel like a teenager going through puberty.

Aches and random pains scare me, but apparently are normal. Round ligament pain is what they call it. Uhm, yeah. Your insides are stretching…. I have become a walking baby oven. Cooking this little bean of mine.

Mason laughs and tells me to sit and rest. I am not that kind of person. I have never been the sit and rest type. I really need to give him more credit then I have been, he has been my rock. Exactly what a husband, father of your child, should be. He’s been patient, sooo extra sweet and thoughtful, helpful, consistent, motivated, and the list could go on and on. Although I think it’s kind of ridiculous that he treats my pregnancy like some type of handicap, I am so blessed to have him.

Leg cramps. I laughed when I read that would happen in second trimester … until two nights ago, when I had back to back leg cramps.

Oh, the changes.

Finding clothes in my closet that fits is a current struggle. Most still fits.. just not the way it used to, and some stuff just makes me look chubby as oppose to pregnant. 😂

Physical and emotional changes. So many of them and I’m barely almost half way there…

Half way to meeting him. I can’t wait.

To: Our Baby Boy

My precious Jay Conor, I have loved you from the start. Daddy and I prayed for you. You are our tiny miracle laying in my womb.

I daydream about you. I daydream about the day, I finally hold you in my arms. I daydream about your daddy taking you into his arms and watching him hold you… and I swear my heart melts in ways I never thought it could.

The day we found out about you, your daddy and I just stared at each other in disbelief. We prayed for you, but did not think you’d come to us so quickly. God answered us.

The day we saw you heart flicker, as tears rolled down my face, I looked at your daddy’s smile. He looked calm, happy, and proud.

The day we saw you moving around, made me laugh. You wouldn’t stay still long enough for Dr. Brown to get any good pictures for us to bring home. I didn’t care, our baby boy was growing and strong.

On a Tuesday morning, daddy and I laid in bed wondering if you’d be a boy or girl. I wanted a boy… we both wanted a boy. Your daddy for some reason, thought you’d be a girl though. Your big brother Abel, prayed every night you’d be his brother. As we discussed this, I said I’d call and see if we could go find out. If they had an available appointment for us, we’d go. If they didn’t, we’d wait until 20 weeks. They had an appointment. “Can you tell what it is?” The tech asked…. Mommy knew. “It’s a boy”. My heart grew that day. Our little baby boy.

On the drive home, we decided to name you after your pawpaw, Jay. Your pawpaw would ask us when we would be having you. He said he didn’t want to pressure or rush us but he couldn’t wait for mommy and daddy to have some more gbabies for him. He adored his grandkids. I’m sure he’s watching over you from heaven. I like to think he chose you to send to us.

You are our greatest joy, Jay. I hope you know you how much you have been wanted and loved.

How beautiful it is, to have been created out of love and desire. How beautiful it’ll be to have two parts of us walking around here soon. we cannot wait.